Dig-In: What I Am & What I Want to Be

Last Updated: November 24, 2023By 5 min readCategories: Personal Musings

Isn’t time crazy?

I swear it was just January and I was just writing down my resolutions which really appear to be a t-chart of what I am and what I want to be.

I truthfully do not know if this was an exercise assigned to me by a therapist, but I do know that when I found the list in the back of my planner the other day I was floored.

How many times do you go back and reread what you wrote down at a different period in your life? Ever hear that saying, “remember the days you prayed for the things you have now?” Yeah. Let that sink in.

I almost never go back and reread unless I’m doing a reading within my community of writers. Never! When I found this list I had tears in my eyes and my heart started pumping extra hard and not because I had resolved everything in the first column or achieved everything in the second, but because what once seemed so insurmountable to me…wasn’t anymore. That mountain was now an ant-hill and I was sitting beside it playing in the dirt. Well, you and I are just getting to know one another, but I’m not really a dirt kind of a gal, though I spent quite a bit of preschool digging for earthworms, (this is a city kid field trip, I think). I am, however, someone who likes to see hard work pay off. The only problem is, oftentimes I don’t actually look back at the hard work OR I write it off as “no big deal” and onto the next.

I remember so well the first time I was published–it was AMAZING–but very quickly my writing career turned into fighting for my next byline. I wasn’t writing for the joy it brought me or creating just because, but I was fixated on the end goal and goal which (usually) naturally comes when we show-up genuinely. However, if we spend too much time focused on what could be and not enough time on what is, we lose track of why we are showing up in the first place and suddenly our WHY becomes a lot more like HOW.

It’s no mystery to me why I almost altogether stopped writing during the pandemic, like most I wasn’t motivated, I was exhausted, and I had bigger fish to fry. I did keep up with my 100 Day Project that year where every day I strung together a few words and posted them alongside a short caption. That was it, but that was enough to keep my whistle wet and my creativity flowing just enough between then and now. Today, I literally haven’t broke for anything let alone been stuck for words which I recognize as the true blessing it is.

We don’t always see what we need to see, but oftentimes we don’t even try to go back to look. Sometimes, it’s painful. Sometimes, “we just want to move on.” Sometimes, we don’t have the time, or the money, or the energy, or the guidance, or the self-awareness to even know what we are looking at.

This is where I share my love for therapy with ya’ll. No, seriously, get yourself a therapist who makes you look at the bad stuff/scary stuff/stuff in general sans judgement + tons of support. Support is key. Do not endeavor down that road without support.

When I read my list to my girlfriend, I was quickly able to eliminate the first few items. I’m not anxious. I’m not confused. I do want what I want, however I want what God wants for me more. I know what’s next (hi, you’re reading it). I am doing my darn best to make sense of the right now. WOW. In the right-hand column, I can check feeling grounded, feeling worthy, and a healthy + happy relationship right off of my list. I have a heck of a lot less fear as to what comes next. I’m working towards feeling better in what Stasia Savasuk calls, my “today body.” And, I know that financial security comes with a wealthy mindset and honestly I am getting there.

How cool!?

I don’t share this to brag, but because I bet if we compared our lists we’d see a heck of a lot of similarities in ways that would make us feel a lot less alone than we do when stewing on the things we feel like we can’t change because we’re too scared to stay stuck, but we’re even more scared of changing. How many times can you trace a revolutionary leap in your life back to a moment when you felt like you were stepping off a cliff Wile E. Coyote style? Yeah, me too.

I broke off a wicked unhealthy relationship after six months and 48 hours later I met the woman who has encouraged me to write these words, who has reminded me of who I once was before I let the world bulldoze over my color and my boldness, and who reintroduced me to my faith in a way I didn’t think was attainable for someone with the past I dragged behind as stubbornly as I once held a withering white blanket. Neither things provided me safety though they sure did a heck of a job convincing me they did.

Take for a minute any particular cause of stress in your life. Hold it in your mind’s eye. Try to peel away from it everyone else’s opinions and/or, (I’m hoping), well-meaning advice. Separate what you don’t know from what you’re assuming you know based on your past. Hold this stressor. Don’t shy away from it. Don’t curse at it. Don’t let it overtake this moment which is yours.

Take a deep breath.

Lovingly dig-in.

Lovingly look at where you are.

Lovingly say, “but, now this is where I want to be.”

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